


Practically Canon

by Lyekka



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Buckleming Style, Canon Compliant, Canon Levels of:, Cas Disrespect, Dean's Heterosexuality, Destiel - Freeform, Heavy Sarcasm, Parody, Racism, Sexism, Sexualization of Women, hypermasculinity, it's really bad, rape joke, this is a joke
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:40:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27165361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lyekka/pseuds/Lyekka
Summary: An episode of Supernatural written by an old white heterosexual man.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	Practically Canon

A young attractive black woman walks alone down a darkened street. The sorority party she attended went late and it’s the middle of the night. She didn’t think to order an Uber to take her home. The street seems devoid of all other life. She’s unaware of the man lurking in the shadows until he starts to stalk her. 

When she notices that she’s being followed she speeds up and starts running away. She can’t get far in her skintight dress and stiletto heels, so she hides at the edge of an alley. The man finds her easily and transforms into a terrifying monster. 

She screams. 

* * *

Dean is lounging in the bunker’s library staring at his laptop and drinking beer. He’s watching a pornographic video on a website for white men who fetishize Asian women. 

Cass walks into the room and Dean chokes on his beer and slams his computer shut. “Hey, Cass,” Dean says and rubs the back of his neck nervously. He’s surprised to be caught watching porn in a common area of the home he shares with his brother, and occasionally their angel friend. 

Cass squints his blue eyes at the flannel wearing hunter. “Hello, Dean,” the angel says in greeting. He glances at Dean’s now closed laptop, where there is a female voice still inexplicably moaning through the speaker. Because it’s funny. “What were you watching?” 

"Don’t worry about it." Dean stands up from his chair and walks over to his trenchcoat clad pal. They stand barely a foot apart. “Say something stupid so I can mock you.” 

Cass squints again and tilts his head to the side like a bird. “Is cereal soup?” the angel asks in a very serious tone.

“No, you idiot,” Dean says and rolls his eyes at the non-human. Even though Cass has been on Earth and around humans for over a decade - and also has the entirety of Metatron’s book, tv, and movie knowledge shoved in his brain, he still doesn't understand anything. It’s comedy gold. 

Cass looks offended but doesn’t defend himself since Dean is the boss. 

Dean licks his lips and glances down at Cass’ chapped and puckered ones. Their bodies are close. They are much closer than two platonic male friends usually stand. But that’s only because they're brothers in arms. 

They are in each other's spaces and stare into the others’ eyes for what anyone else would consider a suspicious amount of time. 

Suddenly, Sam is there and he clears his throat to get their attention. “Guys,” he says and throws his arms out to the side in exasperation. 

Dean jerks away from the angel and makes room for Jesus. 

“Beer, boobs, bitches,” Dean says in a deep and masculine voice. “You like girly things,” he directs at his brother, because comparing a man to women is a hilarious insult. 

Sam gulps and gives his brother a bitchface. “So, get this,” he says holding up a tablet. “I found a case.” 

“Dead chick?” Dean asks. 

“Of course,” Sam confirms. There’s always a dead woman. “Nineteen year old collage student.” 

“Coed,” Dean grins suggestively, even though he is now in his forties. “Nice.” 

“The case is in Maine. We should head out,” Sam says. 

“You comin’?” Dean asks Cass. 

“No,” the angel answers. “I have urgent angel business.” 

“What business?" Sam asks. "The angels hate you and you’re barred from heaven,” he points out. It’s odd that Casstiel is always taking off on his own, even though he doesn’t have other friends and nowhere else to go. 

“Don’t do anything without my permission,” Dean orders, reminding everyone that he’s still in charge. He slaps his hand on Cass’ shoulder and calls him “buddy” to demonstrate their platonic camaraderie.

Cass leaves and they don’t see him again or talk about him for a few weeks. Like most people do when their close friends and family aren’t around. 

“Why is your computer making that sound?” Sam asks when he notices the exaggerated moaning still coming from Dean’s laptop. 

“Tentacle rape, dude.” Dean laughs, because it’s not weird to talk about porn with your sibling; and also sexual assault is okay as long as you make a joke about it. 

* * *

It’s a 27 hour drive but the Winchesters arrive in Maine on the same day and it’s still daylight out. 

“This is the scene of the crime,” Sam says when they pull over near the alley and climb out of the car, already wearing their FBI suits. 

A woman walks by them. She’s very attractive and white with long blonde hair. Just Dean’s type. She stops when Dean looks at her and gives her a flirty smile. She doesn’t have a name and doesn’t speak at all, but she gestures for Dean to follow her so they can have sex somewhere. That is a normal thing for women to do when they encounter a hot stranger on the street. Dean goes with her because he is a heterosexual man. 

Dean meets Sam again sometime later and Sam clears his throat and fills him in on the break he found in the case. He thinks they are after a Buckleming; a vile ghoul like creature that has a preference for violently killing women and people of color. 

They have never come across a Buckleming before, so they head to the public library, which luckily has an extensive archive of books on real supernatural monsters; as public libraries do. It’s night time when they finally find a way to kill the beast and they go track it down. 

* * *

The monster has already found its next victim. It has the crying girl tied up and gagged in an abandoned house.

Sam and Dean bust through the door with weapons in hand. The man-beast puts up a fight, knocking Sam into a table where he slumps uselessly to the floor. 

“Sammy,” Dean shouts as he faces off with the creature alone.

He dodges the hulking monster’s attempt to claw him and rolls between its legs in a non-sexual manly way and stabs the hideous fiend in the ass. 

The Buckleming howls in pain and falls to the floor. Dean grabs it from behind in an unfriendly manner and jams his blade through its thick skull into its brain. 

Defeated, the Buckleming shrinks in on itself and melts into its true form: a steaming pile of shit. 

The female victim screams behind her dirty gag. 

Dean goes to check on his brother, who regains consciousness now that the fight is over. 

Together they untie the terrified young woman. She’s traumatized but thankful the strong men were there to save her. 

* * *

Later that night they are back at the bunker, hanging out in the war room at the map table. Dean is drinking whiskey now and pours a glass for Sam. They silently share a brother bonding moment while sipping their booze like men.

The End 


End file.
